ATWT: Maturity

[noelleleithe.livejournal.com]

Title: Maturity
Author: noelleleithe
Rating: R
Pairings: Luke/Noah, Luke/Reid
Warnings: Um, well, there's some Luke/Reid lurking in there. Some spoilerish speculation, too.
Word count: ~3,600

Summary: He could find another boyfriend, but he'd never find another Noah.

Author's notes: Thanks to escapes and frances_veritas for previewing.

~~~~

"Luke." Ali's voice carried understanding, empathy, but a tinge of frustration as well. "Did you really think having sex with Noah was going to fix everything?"

~~~~

The park was always deserted this late at night, which is why Luke chose it after he left Noah's. Everywhere else he could sit and think (okay, brood, if he were honest, and that's something he really needed to start doing more of) carried too high a risk of running into someone who wouldn't leave him to his thoughts. No matter how deep and dark those thoughts ran.

Alcohol played a starring role, no surprise there. It would be so easy to pick up a big bottle--he was even of age now--and let it carry him away. Until his kidney gave out and he ended up in yet another hospital bed, as if he hadn't been getting enough half-pitying, half-scornful looks from everyone he knew for the past month.

He'd thought it would be easy. Reid turned out to be a nice guy under that snarky facade, and while Luke had been shocked as hell when he'd kissed him, he also couldn't deny the attraction once he'd acknowledged it. He'd tried to treat it as nothing more than a nice distraction, but something inside him wouldn't quite let him let go. And then he'd hidden it from Noah, lied to him by omission if nothing else, and that had been the biggest mistake of all.

Luke's eyes fluttered shut as he remembered one of the worst episodes of his life, after the election when Noah had been called into the dean's office. Luke had begged Noah to lie, and Noah had refused. "You're the one thing I can't lie about, Luke," he'd said, and as much as Luke's desperation tried to convince him that made him angry, the truth was that it flooded him with such a deep rush of love that he'd nearly fallen into Noah's arms on the spot. Pure stubbornness had kept him away.

Stupid stubbornness.

Luke knew he'd been acting like a spoiled child, not the 22-year-old man he was. If he learned anything from the Reid mess, it was that he needed to grow up. Maturity might suck sometimes, but it was a damn sight better than the hell of the past few months.

He needed to tell Noah the truth. All of it, no matter how much it hurt both of them.

He could find another boyfriend, but he'd never find another Noah.

~~~~

It took four months for them to break up. Less than two for Luke to screw them over.

Reid's kiss had been the second biggest surprise in Luke's life. As with almost everything else, Noah held first place there. And that's why Luke let it happen. Not that first kiss, no. That one ended in shock.

But he let the second one happen. And the third. And then everything that came after that, until he found himself lying in bed with only the second lover of his life, trying to ignore that hollow spot in his chest where his heart used to be.

The sex had been good. Reid turned out to be attentive and skillful in bed, even if that deeper connection was missing. And it was definitely missing. Luke should probably feel more guilty that Noah never once left his mind, not even when Reid was driving him toward his first non-self-induced orgasm in over six months. At least he didn't call out the wrong name.

He closed his eyes, trying not to sigh. Trying to relax, so Reid wouldn't suspect anything was wrong. Not that he knew Luke well enough to tell anyway.

It didn't matter. Reid rolled out of bed. "I'm going to take a shower," he said, back to his usual brusque self. "Have an early appointment tomorrow. Feel free to take one of your own before you head home."

Luke's insides twisted. "Should I leave cash on the table, or will you?" he spat out.

Reid paused in the doorway to the bathroom. "Don't make this into yet another drama, Mr. Snyder," he said, drawing out Luke's last name like an expletive. "It's sex, not the end of the world."

The door shut behind him, and Luke was up and dressed almost before the water started running, in his car before he thought about where he was going, pulling up to Noah's apartment building without remembering the drive. He sat and stared out over the steering wheel for what seemed like hours before he finally drove away. At one point, he was sure he saw a curtain move and a face look down at him from Noah's window, but he couldn't think about that.

At home, he stood in the shower for nearly as long as he'd sat in the car, well after the water had gone cold. As self-flagellation went, freezing in the bathtub was a damn site better than drowning in a bottle.

~~~~

The first kiss could've been the end of it, instead of the beginning. A spontaneous moment driven by relief more than attraction, no matter what Reid had to say about it. Luke had no such excuses for the second time, when he shoved Reid against the wall in mid-snark and shut him up for a few long minutes.

The surgery didn't go smoothly, and it took over a week before Noah's sight returned completely and it was clear he'd suffered no long-term effects. Luke struggled to look Noah in the eye after so long. He'd forgotten how important that connection had been to them, and now that it was back, something still seemed to be missing. It felt like looking through a curtain, as if Noah had closed off a part of him that Luke had always been able to access before.

The day Noah went home from the hospital, home to the apartment he still shared with Ali, Luke practically begged to drive him. Noah finally agreed, probably more to shut Luke up than anything else, but Luke didn't care. He needed to do it. Needed to talk to Noah. Even after he and Reid had spent half an hour making out in a deserted room down the hall from Noah's the night before.

Luke needed to get Noah back before he let himself do something even more stupid.

Little did he know that he and Reid hadn't been alone.

In the apartment, Noah looked around at everything, seeing his home for the first time. He touched counters and walls, ran his fingertips over the back of the sofa. "I never knew it was purple," he said, his voice somewhere between puzzled and amused. "Guess Ali must like it."

Luke grinned and sat on the soft cushions, patting the spot next to him. "Come talk to me," he said, pleading with his eyes but trying to keep it out of his voice.

Noah moved over slowly, warily, settling in as far away from Luke as he could get without being too obvious about it. Luke noticed anyway. He smiled again, more softly this time. "Noah," he started, then stopped and laughed lightly at himself. "I have no idea what I'm about to say. I probably should've thought first, huh? But I guess we both know I tend to be a little impulsive sometimes."

Noah actually chuckled at that, a half-smile creasing his face. "Yeah, you could say that." His fingers flexed and he turned his head as if looking for something. He stopped and sighed, shaking his head. "I keep reaching for my cane," he said. His eyes didn't meet Luke's. "Sense memory, I guess. Like a ex-smoker who still reaches for a cigarette after a meal?"

Luke smiled wider and shifted a little closer. He reached out, trying not to be tentative, and wrapped his hand around one of Noah's. "Noah," he said. "I know things are still a mess. I know there's a lot still to deal with. But I need you, Noah" He tightened his grip. "I need you in my life."

Noah looked at him then, eyes wide and flat, too much like the unseeing eyes that Luke had been trying to connect with for the past six months. "I'm still in your life, Luke," he said, voice almost as emotionless as his eyes. "You're here, aren't you?

Luke shook his head and moved closer, his other hand coming up to rub across Noah's knee. "Not just like this," he murmured. "I need all of you, Noah. I can't be around you and not touch you. I need to feel you next to me, surrounding me. Inside me. I can't live without that."

Noah's lips twisted and he jerked away. He stood up, and Luke followed suit, confused. The flat look in Noah's eyes was gone, replaced by a heated anger Luke had only seen on him a handful of times.

"So that's what you want from me?" Noah demanded. "To be your personal sex toy? Well, let me buy you a fucking dildo to keep you company." His eyes turned cold then. "Or maybe you can get the good doctor to scratch that itch for you."

Luke's heart stopped. He stared at Noah. He knew. Oh God. How did he know?

"I saw you, Luke." Luke hadn't asked out loud, but Noah answered anyway. "I saw you kissing him. And don't try to tell me he was kissing you and it meant nothing or whatever your explanation was going to be. You were kissing him, too."

"Noah--"

"No." Noah face was totally closed off now. "No, I'm not going to talk about this any more. It's not that easy, Luke. You can't just come back and expect everything to be fine and dandy after you broke up with me--while I was blind, no less--and definitely not after you've taken up with someone else. It doesn't work that way."

Luke rolled his lips between his teeth to stop himself from screaming, or crying, or doing something else he'd only end up regretting. If all of this was teaching him anything, maybe it was to keep his big mouth shut sometimes.

"Okay," he finally said. "You're right. It's not that easy. But I don't believe we're finished, and I don't think you believe it, either. So I'll go for now, but this isn't the end of this conversation."

Noah turned his back and crossed to the front door, pulling it open. "Goodbye, Luke," he said, eyes staring off into nothingness, as if he really wasn't seeing anything. The sight tore at Luke's already shredded heart.

Luke walked to the door slowly and stopped in front of Noah. "Good night, Noah," he said. "I'll see you again soon."

He tried not to notice how hard the door slammed shut behind him.

~~~~

Noah wouldn't talk to him after that.

Luke tried everything to try to corner him: showing up at the apartment or the hospital when he thought Noah might be there, checking at Java when he heard he'd gotten his old job back, "idly" asking Ali or Casey how he was. No one would tell him anything, and the few times he did find Noah, Noah would just walk away.

After a week, out of desperation, Luke finally tried Reid. He'd been avoiding him since Noah left the hospital, but he finally gave in and went to Katie's. Reid pulled the door open and raised an eyebrow. His face was his usual bland mask on the surface, but Luke recognized the fire lurking in his eyes. "Mr. Snyder," he said. "What can I do for you?"

Luke had planned to ask about Noah. That was truly all he was thinking as he walked up to the door. But Reid was right there, obviously wanting Luke, and suddenly all Luke wanted was to feel that. To know that someone wanted him, even if Noah didn't.

Luke grabbed Reid by the back of the neck and kissed him, hard, pushing his way inside and kicking the door shut behind him. He didn't know where Reid's bedroom was, but it didn't seem to matter, since Reid was pulling him deeper into the house, down a hallway, toward a room that Luke couldn't think about. Toward something he never would've imagined himself doing even a few minutes earlier.

It wasn't until it was over that he realized just how much he'd screwed up.

~~~~

Luke didn't sleep after he got home that night. Nor the next. The second morning, he called in to the office and told his mom he must be coming down with something. She brought him toast and orange juice and kissed his forehead before she left for the office.

It should've been comforting, but it made him feel like a fool. Living in his parents' house, being treated like a child.

Was he ever going to grow up?

He pulled up in front of Noah's apartment just after four that afternoon. An hour on the phone trying to convince Casey that it was really important got him to finally disclose that Ali was working seven-seven shifts and Noah had been on early at Java, so he should be home alone for a few hours. Luke climbed the steps haltingly, still not at all sure that he was doing the right thing, but he had to do something. It wasn't in him to leave this alone.

He heard a noise inside after he knocked, and a shadow darkened the peephole. The door didn't open, and Luke sighed.

"I know you don't want to see me, Noah," he said. "But I think we both need it."

He'd almost given up when the lock clicked and the door slid open. He stepped inside, but Noah didn't say anything, just closed and locked the door behind him before leaning against it and crossing his arms over his chest.

"What do we both need, Luke?" he asked, sarcasm lacing his voice. "Because you sure seem to be the one with all the answers."

Luke shoved his hands into his jeans pockets and shook his head. "I don't have the answers, Noah," he said, studying Noah's eyes, trying to see past the haze. "Right now, I don't even know the right questions. I don't know anything except that everything's screwed up, and I don't have a clue where to start to try to fix it."

Something flashed in Noah's eyes then, a glimpse of what was there before. "What makes you think it can be fixed?" he asked. "Maybe some things shouldn't be."

Luke stepped forward. He couldn't stop himself. That something in Noah's gaze pulled him in. "I don't believe that," he said softly. "And I don't think you do either."

He didn't figure out until much later that it was Noah who moved first and not him. Not that it mattered, because he was completely on board when their mouths crashed together. They kissed like they were dying of thirst for each other, because they were--hot and deep, tongues dueling, hands grasping at each other's hair. There was no way they were making it to a bed, and Luke was suddenly glad he'd never stopped carrying a condom and packet of lube in his wallet, because within minutes they were both on the floor, clothes only half off, and Noah was pushing deep inside, fitting so perfectly that it brought tears to Luke's eyes.

He tried not to think of the last time he'd done this. He closed his eyes, reaching back in his mind to pull up images of him and Noah together from the year before, all the times and ways they'd had amazing, earth-shattering, mind-blowing sex for the best ten months of Luke's life. Noah's mouth latched onto the curve of his neck and Luke moaned, hands on Noah's ass, pulling him in deeper, harder, never enough.

They finished within seconds of each other, Noah with a loud groan, Luke with a cry of Noah's name. Noah's arms trembled as he tried to hold himself up from falling into Luke's chest, but Luke wrapped his arms around him and dragged him down, sweat and come smearing between them.

"Noah," Luke breathed out into his hair. "Oh my God. I love you so much."

Noah stiffened, then yanked himself away, scrambling to his feet. "Shit," he said, breathing hard. "Goddammit. We shouldn't have done that."

Luke blinked up at him, stunned. "Noah, what in the world--"

"I'm sorry, Luke, I shouldn't have--I can't--please just leave."

"Noah--"

But he was gone, down the hallway, disappearing into the bathroom. Luke heard the lock click and the shower come on. He had no idea what was going on. He was afraid to leave Noah alone, not after what just happened. He didn't even know if it was too soon after surgery, if it could cause problems.

Ali. Ali would know.

Luke got to his feet, crossed to the kitchen, and quickly cleaned himself up with a few paper towels. Straightening his clothes, he pulled his phone out of his pocket and called the hospital.

~~~~

Ali got home in less than half an hour. Noah still hadn't emerged from the bathroom. Luke had tried checking on him once, but Noah had just yelled at him to leave again.

When Ali came in, she stopped and looked around. Luke hadn't told her what happened yet, and he'd thrown away the empty condom and lube wrappers, so he didn't think there was anything to give them away. Still, somehow, Ali seemed to know.

She turned her attention to Luke. "Where is he?"

"Still in the bathroom," Luke said. "The shower's been off for ten minutes, but he hasn't come out."

She lifted an eyebrow. "Do I need to know what happened here?"

Luke bit his lower lip, lowering his gaze to the floor. "Yeah," he said softly. "We, um. We kind of ... had sex."

Ali nodded. "Okay," she said. I am Jack's complete lack of surprise, Luke thought, absurdly. "And then he went in the bathroom?"

Luke nodded. "I was worried it might be too soon after his surgery or something," he said. "He won't talk to me, and I just thought it would be good if someone checked on him?"

"Yeah," Ali said. "Give me a minute, okay? Um, could you wait over in the kitchen? I'm going to try to get him to go to his room, but maybe it would be better if you were out of sight for now."

"Yeah."

From the end of the kitchen with the light off, Luke couldn't see anything or hear much. Ali's voice, gentle and coaxing, seemed to get Noah talked down from whatever edge he was on. Luke heard doors opening and closing, a few single syllables in Noah's rumbling tones, and then silence.

A few minutes later, he heard a door open and close again, and Ali reappeared at the far end of the kitchen. She put a finger across her lips and then beckoned Luke into the living room, where she sat on the sofa and indicated Luke should do the same.

"Is he okay?" Luke had to ask, even before he sat down.

"He's resting," she said. "He's fine, but the exertion probably wasn't the best idea. I'll check on him again in about an hour to be sure."

"Did he--" Luke stopped, staring down at his hands. "Did he say anything about what happened? About--"

"Luke." Ali's voice carried understanding, empathy, but a tinge of frustration as well. "Did you really think having sex with Noah was going to fix everything?"

~~~~

Luke sighed and dropped his head onto his knees, the light breeze ruffling his hair. No, he didn't think sex would fix everything. He hadn't even planned on the sex at all. But he hadn't planned on having sex with Reid, either. And that left him stuck here in the middle.

If he wanted to fix things with Noah--and oh God, he did, so much--then he had to fix himself first. And part of that meant telling Noah him everything. The idea terrified him.

He'd slept with someone else. It was so easy at the time, just to take what was offered, to feel wanted, desired. He didn't think; he leapt. Just like he always did. And he always, always lived to regret it.

He felt like he'd cheated, even though he and Noah weren't boyfriends when he slept with Reid. And then he'd had sex with Noah again, and it was amazing, just as it always had been, that connection still strong between them. But Noah had freaked out afterward, and Luke couldn't blame him. It was too much, much too soon.

Now the task of untangling everything, unwrapping the web surrounding them, was that much harder. Not that long ago, Luke would've tried to find someone else to blame for it, tried to avoid taking responsibility, unable to face the truth.

Not any more. It was his mess, and he'd have to be the one to fix it.

Luke sighed and pushed himself up from the ground, looking out over the pond, still and dark in the unusually warm night. He breathed deep, letting his eyes fall shut, blowing out slowly. He let go of his fear, his confusion, all of the lies and half-truths. Resolve filled him in their place, and as he turned away, he felt as if he were leaving the last remnants of his childhood behind.

Whatever was ahead, he'd face it as a man.

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

I enjoyed reading this even though it was a rough angsty read. But there was hope in the end and finally a coming into manhood that doesn't come through sex, money, speechifying, rugs, etc. In other words not really soapy but great storytelling. CLC

[(Anonymous)]

Um- that should be 'drugs', not 'rugs'. CLC