Necessary

[noelleleithe.livejournal.com]

Title: Necessary
Author: noelleleithe
Rating: PG
Pairings: Luke/Noah; heavily implied Luke/Reid
Warnings: Aaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnngggggggssssssssssttttttttttt. ... Did I mention angst?
Word count: ~1,150

Summary: "If we're going to be together, I need you to choose me."

Author's notes: Not happy. Not resolved. But maybe, just maybe, necessary.

Beta by bluejeanbaby01 and freakykat.

~~~~

They were at an impasse.

"I think you have to do this." Noah's voice, maddeningly calm, made Luke's skin itch. "I think if you don't, if you stay with me now, out of habit or whatever, then we'll both always wonder. And you'll resent me, and yourself. And that's no way for either of us to live."

Luke couldn't figure out when he lost his words and Noah found them. He just knew he couldn't speak. Could barely breathe.

"I'm not leaving you, Luke," Noah said, low and gravelly. "I want you to understand that. I'm not running away from you. From us. But I can't stay here and watch while you ..." He swallowed then, just a hint of the depth of emotion Luke knew simmered under the surface. "I just ... I can't."

Luke managed to nod. That much, he understood. He remembered the shock of seeing Noah with Richard and thinking all the wrong things. It was a big part of what got them into this mess. He couldn't imagine seeing Noah be with someone else day after day.

"There's a film institute at Northwestern this summer," Noah said, voice firm again, but still so, so gentle. "The film school dean recommended me for it. It's four weeks, intensive study. I'll get credit for it, and when I'm done, I'll be able to get my degree."

Luke nodded. "And then?" he managed to force out.

Noah half-smiled. "And then I'll come back," he said. The smile fell away as quickly as it had appeared. "But I'm not promising anything, Luke. And I don't want you to promise anything either. Don't tell me you'll wait. Do this. Do what you need to do. When I come back--" He paused and dropped his head. "It'll be your choice."

Luke couldn't help himself. He reached out and grabbed both of Noah's hands, like he was hanging on for his life. It felt like he was. "Noah, I--"

Noah shook his head and looked back up, meeting Luke's gaze head-on. His eyes were wide, wet. Beautiful. "I don't want you with me by default, Luke," he said. "I don't want either of us to wonder. I need you to make the choice. If we're going to be together, I need you to choose me."

Luke searched Noah's eyes. His heart still leapt every time he realized that Noah could actually see him again, but it hurt at the same time. Because the first time Noah had seen him clearly after the surgery, he'd been kissing another man.

Noah slid one of his hands out of Luke's grasp and lifted it to cup Luke's cheek. The fine tremors were the only giveaway of how carefully he was keeping himself under control. "I love you, Luke," Noah said. "I know you love me, too. You don't have to say it. But right now, I don't think that's going to be enough for either of us. And until it is, I don't think we can be together."

Luke bit his lip, his vision starting to blur from tears. He blinked rapidly, trying to will them away. "I do love you," he rasped out. "So much that it's been killing me by inches not to be with you."

Noah nodded. "I know," he said. "Same here." He swallowed then, realizing what he'd said, and Luke brought his own hand up to Noah's face, mirroring Noah's position.

"I don't want to do this," he said softly. "I just want to be with you. But I think ..." He hesitated before continuing. "I think you're right. I think it's ... necessary. I think we both need for me to figure this out. But Noah--" He took a step closer, curled his fingers against Noah's skin. "You have to know that whatever happens, I'm always going to love you. I'm always going to have your back. You're part of my family, Noah." He managed a smile. "And you aren't getting away from us that easily."

Noah smiled back, small but genuine. "Yeah," he said. "You Snyders are kind of like the Mafia that way."

Luke laughed, watery and brief. They both gradually let their hands fall to their sides, fingers lingering for long moments where they were still tangled together. Luke slid his suddenly cold hands into his pockets. "So when do you leave?"

"Tomorrow," Noah said, rubbing his palms along the sides of his thighs. "I haven't gotten my license back yet, so Ali's driving me up. Casey offered, but I've ridden with him before. I don't think I'd survive him driving through Chicago."

Luke grinned up at him. "Email me?" he said. "Just to tell me how things are going."

"Okay," Noah agreed. "And you can ..." He trailed off, as if realizing what he was about to ask, and Luke's gaze fell to the floor.

"I'll keep you updated on the family," he said, crossing his arms tightly over his chest.

Noah was silent for a long moment before letting out a shaky breath. "I should get going," he said. "Have to finish packing and stuff."

Luke looked back up at him and tried to smile. "Good luck," he said. "Try to behave yourself."

Noah raised an eyebrow. "I'd tell you the same, but that would kind of defeat the whole purpose, wouldn't it?"

Luke felt himself blush. "Shut up," he grumbled. "Get outta here, Mayer."

Noah laughed, short but real, and something inside Luke's chest loosened at the sound. He'd be okay, Luke knew. Whatever happened with the two of them, Noah would come out fine. He was strong, in so many ways stronger than Luke would ever be.

Luke raised an eyebrow. "Is a hug allowable?"

Noah smiled, that endearing, crooked smile Luke loved so, so much. "Yeah," he said. "I think I can handle that."

They slid into place just as easily as they always had, fitting together like two halves of a whole. Luke squeezed his eyes shut and pressed his face into Noah's shoulder, soaking up the feeling to store deep down inside him. He didn't know how long it would have to last him. Maybe the rest of his life.

They broke apart slowly, hands trailing down each other's arms, fingers tightening for just a second before falling away. Noah bit his lip for a second, then took a step toward the door. "Take care, Luke," he said.

"You too," Luke replied, hands back in pockets, tipping up onto his toes. Barely holding himself back from begging Noah to stay.

He stood there for a long time after Noah left, thoughts whirling, staring at nothing. He didn't know what to do next.

Finally, his mind settled, and he realized the only way to get through this to the other side, whatever waited there, would be to take one step at a time.

He took a step.