(It's Been A) Long Goodbye

[noelleleithe.livejournal.com]

Title: (It's Been A) Long Goodbye
Author: noelleleithe
Rating: PG
Characters/Pairings: Luke/Reid (past), Noah/Reid (!!!), Luke/Noah. Also Emma, some various other Snyders, and a little Ali, Bob, and Casey.
Warnings: See above. No end-of-show spoilers.
Word count: ~9,700

Summary: "Turns out once we got past all that 'fighting over the same guy' stuff, we actually get along pretty well."

Author's notes: I made the mistake of telling freakykat that I kind of wanted to write a story where Luke "chose himself" (a la Kelly Taylor), and Noah and Reid ended up getting together. And then this happened. Heh. Story and chapter titles from "Long Goodbye" by The Nadas. Thanks to freakykat for giving it a read, and dazzling_icer for squeeing. :)

~~~~

i. celebrate the end for what it creates

It wasn't the ending that they wanted.

Reid knew from the start that Luke would probably always love Noah, and even if they didn't end up back together, it would take a hell of a lot longer than a few months for Luke to move on completely. So when Luke showed up at his door and smiled a little uncertainly, he knew.

Noah knew Luke still loved him, and he certainly still loved Luke, but he also knew that hadn't been enough for either of them. He wasn't sure what would be. So when Luke showed up at his door and smiled a little uncertainly, he knew.

It wasn't until Reid and Noah ran into each other at the hospital a few days later that they realized neither of them knew after all.

Noah made an effort to be polite. He loved Luke and wanted him to be happy, and if Reid made him happy, then Noah would try to find a way to live with that.

Reid never made an effort to be polite, but he did care about Luke, and Noah wasn't a bad kid. If Luke thought he'd be happier with Noah, well, fine.

"How's Luke doing?"

They asked the question at nearly the same time, then stared at each other.

"I thought--"

"You didn't--"

Reid broke first, tossed the patient chart he'd just finished with on the counter and yanking off his lab coat. "We need a drink," he said. "I'm buying."

Noah shrugged and went along.

~~~~

Yo's was deserted at two in the afternoon. Noah dropped onto the barstool next to Reid and just nodded when Reid ordered two of whatever was on tap. When the mugs were delivered, Reid lifted his.

"To Luke," he said. "Without whom you and I might actually be living normal lives right now."

Noah had to chuckle as he lifted his own glass before taking a big swig. He pondered what to say as he set down his beer.

"I guess we both got thrown over, then," is what came out.

Reid shrugged and took another swallow. "I figured he'd gone back to you," he said. "Can't say it surprised me." He shot Noah a look. "You and I both knew I was nothing but a pit stop."

Noah scraped his thumbnail on a rough spot in the wood of the bar. "I didn't," he admitted. He laughed again. "Do you seriously think I would've punched your lights out otherwise?"

Reid almost smiled. "Quite a right hook you've got there," he said, taking another sip of his beer.

Noah snorted and shook his head. "Only seems to get used on people who go after Luke."

Reid paused with the mug halfway to his mouth. "What, you've done that before?"

Noah swiveled his stool toward Reid, resting one elbow on the bar. "Let me tell you the tale of one Brian Wheatley."

~~~~

Three hours and several more beers later, Reid suggested they grab some dinner at Al's. Noah shrugged and went along.

An hour and a half after that, Noah suggested a movie. Reid shrugged and went along.

Three hours after that, standing in the parking lot of the theater between their parked cars, Noah and Reid stared at each other. Flummoxed.

Had they just gone on a date?

To say the goodnights were awkward would've been like calling Luke Snyder a little bit on the emotional side.

~~~~

The next time they ran into each other, a couple of days later, things were still awkward, but they both figured they could ignore it. They got along fine, so why not be friends?

Noah had just finished a shift at Java and was headed home to rewatch "Laura" (20th Century Fox, 1944, Gene Tierney, Dana Andrews, Clifton Webb, and Vincent Price starring, Otto Preminger directing) for his last final the next day, on femme fatales in film noir. Reid had just finished a six-hour surgery and had been headed to grab dinner from Al's so he wouldn't be stuck with a frozen dinner at home. Katie and Jacob were out with Chris, Ali was working overnight, and Noah had planned to order pizza, so he invited Reid over.

Most of a large meat lover's and four Heinekens between them later, Reid was passed out in the corner of the sofa, snoring softly. Noah chuckled under his breath and kept watching the movie. When it ended, he turned off the TV and turned toward Reid, intending to wake him up.

He paused and studied the other man, trying to see what Luke had seen in him. He was attractive, although Noah didn't know if he'd go along with Richard's description of him as "hot." He was certainly smart, a literal brain surgeon. And while his snarkiness had become legendary in Oakdale, he also showed a pretty decent sense of humor under it all. Sometimes. When he didn't feel hurt or angry or backed into a corner.

Noah wondered if he was a good kisser. Luke had always loved kissing, almost more than he loved sex, and Noah had loved indulging them both, in both pursuits. Noah wondered how Reid had been in bed. He knew they hadn't slept together long, but slept together they had. Noah had (mostly) gotten past the idea of Luke having been with another man. He wondered how he'd measured up. So to speak.

Reid snuffed softly in his sleep, his head turning toward Noah, pulling Noah out of his thoughts. Noah reached out and laid his hand on Reid's arm, shaking lightly. "Hey, Reid," he said softly.

Slowly, Reid's eyes opened halfway, and sleepy blue peered up at Noah through the dim light.

Both of them froze.

A web of energy seemed to flow between them. Skin tingled. Faces flushed. Breathing quickened.

Noah jerked his hand away, and Reid scrambled to sit up. "Um," he said, running a hand down his face. "Gotta get going. Early rounds tomorrow."

Noah nodded quickly. "Okay," he said, busying himself with gathering up the pizza box and empty beer cans. "See you around."

Reid nodded again and pushed to his feet. He paused with his hand on the doorknob and looked back over his shoulder, just as Noah glanced his way from where he'd just set the remains of their dinner down on the kitchen counter.

Neither of them spoke. Neither knew what to say.

Reid finally nodded once more and left.

~~~~

Noah and Luke met up in Old Town a few days after Noah and Reid's impromptu movie night. Luke smiled and asked Noah if he'd like to have lunch at Al's. Noah smiled back and agreed.

Lunch wasn't perfect, but it wasn't awful, either. Luke didn't apologize again for his decision, didn't try to explain, and Noah was relieved. They talked about Noah's classes, the progress on the neurology wing, how things were going with Luke's family. Luke insisted that Noah come out to the farm for the big Labor Day cookout that weekend, like he had for the previous two summers. Noah refrained from asking if Reid would also be invited.

They parted smiling, and some of the tightness in Noah's chest loosened.

That lasted until Sunday morning. He had the early shift at Java, and he was ten minutes away from leaving when Reid came in.

"Hey," Reid said, almost smiling.

"Hey," Noah answered. "What can I get you?"

Reid, to Noah's complete surprise, blushed. "Um, a caramel latte with extra whip?" He ducked his head and lifted one hand to scratch at the back of his head, the first time Noah could remember seeing him look that nervous. "I know, I know, girliest of the girly drinks. I just--"

Noah grinned to let him off the hook. "Your secret's safe with me," he said, reaching for a mug. "For here?"

Reid nodded and smiled at him, and Noah's breath caught. Maybe there was something to be said for Richard's appraisal after all. At the least, a relaxed, smiling Reid was much closer to hot than Noah had considered.

He cleared his throat. "Have a seat," he said. "I'll bring it over."

He didn't watch Reid walk away, concentrating on putting together the drink. He spent longer than usual adding the caramel sauce on top, making it look neat, although he resisted the random urge to draw something really silly. Like a smiley face. Or a heart.

He gave himself a mental slap at the thought and carried the finished drink over to Reid's table. "Anything else I can get you?" he asked. "I'm about to get off--" He bit his lip as Reid's eyes widened fractionally at the unintentional double-entendre.

Reid gave a half-grin and raised an eyebrow. "Care to join me?"

Noah hesitated, but finally shrugged. He wanted to, so why not?

"Sure," he said. "Let me finish up and I'll be back."

Five minutes later, clocked out and apron discarded, Noah slid into the chair across from Reid. "Any plans for the holiday?" he asked.

Reid looked at him over the rim of his mug and shrugged. "Not really," he said. "Katie said something about taking Jacob to the park, maybe having a picnic." He set down the mug and wiped cream off his upper lip. "You?"

Noah folded his arms on the table and leaned forward, dropping his head, sorry now he'd brought up the subject. "Um," he said. "Actually, I, um, kind of got invited to the farm."

"Ah." Reid's voice was flat, impassive. Missing the life it had carried during most of their recent conversations. "Does that mean--"

"No," Noah cut him off, shaking his head. "Doesn't mean anything, except that he knows I miss his family." He lifted his head, meeting Reid's gaze. "I know better than to expect anything else."

Reid nodded slowly. "What about after?"

Noah frowned. "After?"

"After the cookout." Reid pushed away his empty mug. "What are you doing then?"

Noah shrugged. "Don't know yet," he said. "I'm done with school, I hope. Just waiting on my final grades to see if I'll graduate. Probably just watch a movie or read or something."

"Want some company?"

Noah stared. "Um," he said. "I'm not sure what you mean."

Reid leaned back, crossing his arms over his chest. "Just what I said. I'm free, you're free, we get along well, why not watch a movie or whatever together?"

Noah mirrored Reid's position and smirked. "Dr. Oliver," he said, in a voice laced with humor. "Are you asking me out?"

Reid snorted and pushed to his feet. "Don't go overboard, Mr. Mayer," he said. "Just because we're both gay doesn't mean we have to fall into bed together."

~~~~

The cookout felt like old times. Noah got tackled by a gaggle of Snyders when he climbed out of his truck. Ethan had to have grown three inches in the few short months since Noah had seen him. Natalie's smile looked so much like Luke's that Noah had to take a deep breath before returning it. Even Faith gave him a hug and quick smile before going back to her default teenaged snark.

The hugs Noah got from Emma and Lily made his heart ache and his eyes prick with tears. He nearly lost it completely when he looked up over Emma's shoulder and saw the soft smile on Luke's face as he watched them.

He used the excuse of needing to wash his hands to escape for a few minutes into the downstairs powder room and gather himself. He stared at himself in the mirror as he dried his hands. "You can do this," he murmured.

He wasn't convinced, but he squared his shoulders and headed back into the fray anyway.

~~~~

Things got easier. The boisterous Snyder crowd kept him from diving too far into his head, and the food spread kept his mouth full most of the time. He helped Holden with the grill, helped Emma and Lily carry bowls and platters out from the kitchen to the picnic table, and helped tease Faith out of more than one pouting funk.

By late afternoon, stuffed to the gills and worn out from socializing, Noah started trying to head home. He knew it would take a while, and it did. Thirty minutes after he first mentioned needing to leave, he was finally standing next to his truck, loaded down with leftovers, just Luke left standing next to him.

"Thanks for coming," Luke said, hands deep in the front pockets of his jeans. He grinned, dimples on display, looking so much like the Luke Snyder that Noah had first fallen in love with that he felt himself falling all over again.

Noah swallowed back his emotions and smiled. "Thanks for the invitation," he said. "It was really great seeing everyone. Although," he chuckled and nodded toward the bag of food he held, "I have no idea when this stuff will get eaten, because I think I'm done for the week."

Luke laughed. "Aw, you know you love it," he said. "Sometimes I think you were only with me for my grandmother's cooking."

It was the wrong thing to say, and they both knew it immediately. Luke flushed, and Noah bit his lip.

"Um, I'd better get going," Noah said, pulling open the door of his truck and leaning in to set the bag on the seat. "Have a good week, Luke."

"Noah." Noah closed his eyes briefly at the tone of his voice. He knew what was coming. Bracing himself for the second time that day, he turned back to face Luke, whose hand was resting on the side of the door.

"I know it doesn't mean much after everything," Luke said, eyes so open and clear that Noah felt as if he would drown in them. "But I'm sorry. For everything."

Noah nodded quickly. "I know," he said. "I'm sorry, too."

"I just--" Luke paused, and suddenly his arms were wrapping around Noah, enveloping in a hug so fierce that it nearly shattered all of his defenses. He had to hug him back, had to, and the knowledge of how much he still loved Luke and how little he'd actually moved on exploded through his consciousness.

He pushed himself back, trying not to see the pain in Luke's face. "I'm sorry," he repeated. "I have to go."

He made it a good five minutes down the road before he had to pull over and wait for his hands to stop shaking.

~~~~

Back home, leftovers stored, Noah took a deep breath and blew it out, trying to rid himself of the lingering emotion clouding his mind. He grabbed his phone and sent Reid a quick text, telling him to come by whenever "and help me eat all these leftovers." The "be there in a bit" reply came in just a few minutes, and Reid showed up within an hour.

"Hey." Noah stepped back and waved him in. "You hungry? I'm still way too stuffed."

"I could eat," Reid said, looking around the room as if he hadn't just been there a week before.

"Fridge is packed, grab whatever looks good," Noah said, closing the door and headed toward his DVD rack. "Plates to the left, silverware below. Any special requests for movies?"

"Nah, whatever's fine with me," Reid said as he disappeared around the corner. "How was the cookout?"

Noah sighed. "Fine," he said. "It was good to see everyone. And of course the food was amazing."

"It looks amazing." Noah drew out three DVDs to the accompaniment of Reid putting together his dinner. "You sure you don't want anything?"

Noah chuckled. "I think I'd explode," he said, walking toward the kitchen. "I might have a piece of pie, in a day or two."

Reid laughed as Noah came around the corner and held up the three DVDs. "Take your pick," he said. "Action, aliens, or more noir?"

Reid squinted at the cases. "Close Encounters? Haven't seen that in years."

"Aliens it is," Noah said. He started back toward the sofa and paused. "Would you mind grabbing me a beer on your way back in here?"

"No problem."

~~~~

Reid ate a hot dog, a hamburger, and a mound of potato salad while they watched Richard Dreyfuss make a mashed potato sculpture of Devil's Tower. Noah drank two beers, Reid one. Reid went back for dessert, wolfing down a huge slice of Emma's apple pie, after Noah's insistence that it was fine with him.

By the time the alien ship was landing, both of them were slouched down low in the cushions, comfortable and more than a little sleepy. Noah's eyes drifted shut, which was why he was so surprised when he felt Reid's hand slide up his arm.

He jerked his head to the side. "What--"

Reid silenced him with a kiss. Shocked, Noah didn't move at first, but when Reid pressed forward harder, swiping his tongue across Noah's lips, he let out a low groan and opened up to let him in.

It had been nearly six months since Noah had been kissed, and he'd missed it like crazy. Reid was, he quickly discovered, a pretty damn good kisser. Not like Luke, although Noah shoved that thought away immediately, but still really, really good.

Reid shifted, maneuvering them so they were lying side by side on the cushions, Noah against the back, Reid in front of him. They only kissed, barely touching beyond their mouths, hands resting on each other's shoulders.

Noah finally pulled back, head spinning, breathing hard. "What was that about not falling into bed together?"

Reid shrugged and pulled him back in. "This isn't a bed."

~~~~
~~~~

ii. find my faith in you

Noah spent the next two days trying not to feel guilty.

Nothing happened, really. They'd kissed for a while, even halfway cuddled (and who would've suspected Reid Oliver liked to cuddle?), but their hands stayed chaste and Reid left before midnight.

And even if they had done more, so what? They were both single. Luke had dumped them both. And Reid hadn't been Noah's doctor in months.

Still, it felt ... weird. To say the least. Not counting that craziness with Zac (and Noah certainly didn't count it), Noah had never kissed another man besides Luke. He'd only kissed a couple of other people at all. His whole love life could be summed up in the person of Luciano Eduardo Grimaldi Snyder, who he still missed so much he ached with it.

He had absolutely no clue what was going on with Reid Oliver.

Noah had just started to get his equilibrium back when it got knocked over again. Naturally, Luke was the culprit. He showed up at Java late Thursday morning, shooting Noah that full, dimpled smile as he ordered a caramel latte with extra whip. Noah literally bit his tongue to keep from saying anything about Reid and made the drink, delivering it with a smile.

Luke grinned up at him. "Can you sit for a minute?"

The cafe was nearly deserted, so Noah shrugged and sat. "I'll need to go if anyone comes in," he warned, and Luke nodded as he swallowed a mouthful of coffee.

"So," he said, licking cream off his upper lip. Not that Noah was staring. "Are you out of leftovers yet?"

Noah almost didn't say anything, but then figured he might as well. "Just about," he said, folding his arms on the tabletop. "I had a little help with them Monday night."

"Ali?" Luke lifted his mug to take another sip, so Noah waited until he swallowed to drop the bomb.

"No," he said, as matter of factly as he could. "Reid."

Despite his empty mouth, Luke choked. "Re-Reid?"

Noah half-smiled, half-smirked. "Yes, Reid," he said, leaning back in his chair, arms still crossed. "Turns out once we got past all that 'fighting over the same guy' stuff, we actually get along pretty well. We watched a movie and had a few beers while he ate some of the leftovers."

He left out the rest of the story, not wanting to get into it when he didn't really know what was going on himself. Still, Luke's eyes were wide as saucers at this turn of events.

"Wow, I ..." His mouth moved silently. "I don't know what to say," he finally said.

Noah had to chuckle at that. "Luke Snyder, rendered speechless," he said. "Never thought I'd see the day."

Luke gave a tentative smile. "Well, I'm glad," he said, cautiously. "I mean, I hated that you ended up hating each other, since it was pretty much all my fault."

Noah couldn't argue that point, so he just nodded. "I don't think we really hated each other, though," he corrected. "It was just a mess. But it's over, so we might as well move on."

Luke's face fell, and he seemed to close in on himself. "Yeah," he muttered. "Move on."

The bell at the door rang, and Noah looked over to see a couple of people coming in. "Gotta get back to it," he said. "See you later, Luke."

"Yeah," Luke replied, hunching forward, wrapping both hands around his mug. "See you."

~~~~

Reid came over again that night, ostensibly to have pizza and watch the Cubs game, but to the surprise of neither of them, they ended up making out on the sofa again. Again it stayed mostly chaste, and again Reid left before it got all that late.

Noah had trouble sleeping that night. He lay on his back, hands folded behind his head, staring up at the ceiling. He'd taken to keeping a small nightlight burning in his room after his surgery. He'd woken up the first two nights he was home and nearly had panic attacks when he couldn't see anything. He hadn't yet felt ready to go back to sleeping in the dark. Alone.

In some ways, recovery was taking a little longer than he'd expected.

He really had no clue what he was doing or what he wanted now. He liked Reid, and he liked kissing Reid, but he didn't think he wanted anything more than that. He didn't know if he could handle it. His heart still belonged to Luke, and while he knew it was entirely possible to mentally separate his heart from his body, he'd never tried to do it. Not like this, anyway. He didn't think he was cut out for it.

He sighed and rolled onto his side, pulling down a pillow and wrapping both arms around it. He closed his eyes and willed his mind to shut itself off and let him go to sleep.

Eventually, it worked.

~~~~

When Luke showed up at Java on Saturday, the third day in a row, Noah figured out what he was up to. He delivered the caramel latte, dropped into the chair across the table, and pinned Luke with a look.

"If you want to see me," he said, "why don't you ask me out?"

Luke froze, then had the decency to look chagrined. "Um," he said, dipping his spoon into his coffee. He gave a half smile and looked up at Noah from under his lashes. "I was afraid you'd turn me down? And honestly, I wouldn't blame you."

Noah bit his lip. "A couple of weeks ago, I probably would have," he admitted, leaning forward onto his arms. "And honestly," he echoed, "I'm not all that sure now that I shouldn't still."

Luke seemed to deflate again. "Oh," he said.

Noah slid his foot far enough forward to nudge the tip of Luke's under the table. "Doesn't mean you shouldn't still try."

Luke smiled just a little. "Noah," he said, his voice soft and a little high-pitched. "Would you like to have dinner with me? Tonight?"

Noah considered hesitating, turning him down, making Luke squirm some, but he couldn't do it. He smiled just a little, too. "Yeah," he said. "Yeah, I'd like that."

~~~~

When Reid sent him a text late that afternoon, asking if he wanted to watch the game over burgers that night, Noah actually felt guilty. He didn't really know why. It wasn't like he and Reid had any kind of defined relationship, just a few beers and movies and a couple of makeout sessions. They weren't actually dating.

Still, Noah didn't quite know what to do. He sent back a quick text saying he was busy but would check in tomorrow and shoved the whole thing out of his mind as he got back to trying to figure out what to wear. Luke had said jeans were fine, but Noah wasn't about to show up in his usual plaid-over-tshirt style. It was, after all, a date. Weird as that seemed.

Flipping through his shirts, he came upon a medium-blue one he hadn't worn in a while. A certain tie aside, he wasn't usually one for remembering what he wore when, but this one he remembered. He'd asked Luke on a date, a real date, and he'd worn this shirt.

It seemed to be a good choice for tonight. A good omen, if Noah believed in those.

~~~~

Luke knocked on his door at five after seven, only five minutes late, which for Luke was a good ten minutes early. Noah had his mouth open to tease him about it when he pulled the door open, but his words died in his throat.

Good. God. When had the adorable, cute, sexy-but-innocent Luke he knew turned into the gorgeous hunk of manhood standing outside his door?

Luke wore jeans in a dark wash, fitted more closely than Noah remembered him wearing, and a perfectly tailored white dress shirt with the cuffs folded up at his wrists and the first three buttons undone, showing enough of his chest hair to make Noah's fingers itch to touch it. His hair shone in the dying sunlight, and he smiled at Noah widely but calmly, holding himself still but relaxed.

He looked, in short, like sex on legs.

"Hey," he said. "Ready to go?"

"Um, yeah," Noah managed. "Just let me grab my keys."

His keys were in his pocket, but he used the excuse to step behind the door and take a deep, steadying breath. He couldn't let his hormones get the best of him tonight. He still loved Luke, but they needed more than that if this was going to go anywhere.

He stepped back with keys in hand and smiled, trying to project more confidence than he felt. "Okay, ready when you are," he said.

"Great." Luke grinned. "Let's go."

~~~~

Noah had no idea what kind of dinner he expected, but this wasn't it.

Luke drove to the pond. Of all places. Noah had to fight against his first instinct, to lash out. Did Luke really expect to just pick things up where they left off? Like nothing ever happened?

He didn't say anything because he had no idea what to say. As usual, Luke filled in the blanks.

Luke stopped the car, shut it off, and turned slightly in his seat. "I don't want you to get the wrong idea here, Noah," he said. "Yeah, part of the reason I wanted to come here is because we both have some good memories here. But I'm not trying to turn back the clock. I just know it's a place we both like, and I'd like us to be able to enjoy it again. No matter what else happens."

Noah had to smile. "You're being awfully logical, Snyder," he said, and Luke grinned.

"Yeah, well, wonders never cease," he shot back. "Maybe I'm actually growing up a little." He reached for his door handle, then paused. "Um, want to grab the blanket out of the back seat and pick a spot?"

Noah nodded and climbed out, reaching back for the familiar, well-worn wool blanket that he knew usually stayed folded up on the loveseat on the back porch of the farm. Memories flooded his mind as he walked toward the water, carrying that blanket. So much had happened in the past three years, and so much of it was so good. Could they use that as a foundation to start building a new future? Or were there too many cracks to support anything more substantial than this sort-of friendship they'd forged?

He spread the blanket out a few yards from the water, in a spot he knew wouldn't be easily visible from the house or barn. He knew because he and Luke had spent more than one warm summer night out here, cuddling and kissing and sometimes more.

He thought of Reid, suddenly. He still didn't feel guilty about him, to his surprise. Not that he really had a reason to, but Luke didn't know what had been going on with Reid, and Reid didn't know he was on a date with Luke. Telling Reid wasn't likely to be an issue, but he'd need to tell Luke, if they decided to give this another try, and that would be some conversation.

Whatever else happened, he decided, he wouldn't let Luke guilt trip him over it. Luke broke up with him, twice, so he didn't actually have any say over who Noah spent time with, or how he chose to spend it.

Okay, yeah, the whole situation was pretty weird. But no one was doing anything wrong.

A classic straw picnic basket came down to rest on the blanket next to where Noah had sat down. He looked up to find Luke grinning down at him, looking more boyish now.

Noah had to grin back. "A picnic, Snyder?" he teased. "That's just so girly of you."

"Shut up," Luke replied blandly as he lowered himself to the blanket. He popped open the lid of the basket and starting pulling things out. "Cold fried chicken, cheese and crackers, fruit salad, sparkling cider, and for dessert, Gramma's blueberry pie." He laughed as he spread out the containers. "The pie should win me some points, at least."

"As long as you guarantee Emma made it and not you," Noah said. Luke gave a silent, open-mouthed fake laugh, and Noah reached for the bottle of cider automatically and started working the foil covering off, as he always did. Luke had never been able to get those things open without managing to cut himself.

It took Noah a moment to realize what he was doing, and he lifted his gaze to meet Luke's. Luke's eyes were soft, open, and so bursting with love that Noah had to look away.

He returned his attention to the bottle, getting the foil off and the lid open. Luke silently held out two plastic wine glasses, and Noah filled them both, setting down the bottle and taking the glass Luke held out toward him.

Luke cleared his throat. "To fresh starts?"

Noah swallowed and smiled. "And good memories."

Luke grinned, and they drank.

~~~~

They sat on the blanket eating and talking for hours. Noah filled Luke in on the finals for his summer classes and told him he'd gotten As across the board, so he was just waiting for a degree audit to confirm that he'd be able to graduate. Luke caught Noah up on the family news he'd missed out on at the cookout, and told him how things stood with the new hospital wing.

Neither of them mentioned Reid, for very different reasons, Noah was sure.

Food eating, cider gone, conversation waning, Noah tried to smile.

"This has been great, but it's getting kind of late, and I have the morning shift tomorrow," he started, but Luke was moving before he finished, picking up containers and shoving them back into the basket.

"Oh, crap, you should've said something, Noah," he said. "I know you hate it when you have to work the early shift without enough sleep."

They both paused at that, and Noah suspected the flush he could see creeping up Luke's neck was matched by his own. Until the accident, more often than not they were jointly responsible when Noah didn't get enough sleep before an early morning shift.

Noah cleared his throat and finishing climbing up from the ground. "Um, thanks for this," he said. "It really was fun. I ... I missed this. I mean, just sitting around talking with you."

Luke grinned up at him. "Me too." The smile fell away. "And Noah," he said softly, "you know I don't want to lose this, right? I mean, whatever else happens. I know this isn't easy for either of us, but you're too important to me."

He looked like he wanted to say more but stopped himself. Noah nodded. "Yeah," he said. "I ... yeah."

~~~~

When they got back to Noah's apartment, Luke pulled up, turned off the car, and turned toward Noah just like had at the pond. "Thanks for coming," he said, licking his lips, clearly nervous. "You really didn't have any reason to give me any kind of chance, but you did it anyway."

Noah resisted the urge to reach out for Luke's hand. "I didn't have any reason not to, either," he said. "I know ... things aren't going to change overnight. They might not change at all. But, Luke." He shifted in his seat to face him more directly. "You're too important to me, too. Whatever happens ..."

Luke smiled. "I'm always gonna have your back."

"Yeah," Noah said. He bit his lip. "Take care, Luke," he said. "I'll see you soon."

Luke nodded. "Sleep well."

And Noah did.

~~~~
~~~~

iii. you can have my heart

For the next two weeks, Noah's life felt very, very surreal.

He worked at Java nearly every day and worked on graduate school applications while he waited for final word on his degree audit. He hadn't decided whether he wanted to look for a job or go back to school, so he was keeping his options open. He saw Luke several times, chatting with him in Java, eating lunch together at Al's, having dinner at the farm again. He also spent several evenings watching baseball or movies with Reid, every time ended up lying on his sofa for an intense but always strangely chaste makeout session.

He and Luke never kissed and rarely touched. He and Reid never did anything beyond kissing and rarely touched below the shoulders.

For the first time, Noah thought maybe he understood the position Luke had been in.

He loved Luke, more than he could possibly express, but while falling in love with Luke was simple, being in love with him never was. Luke was complex, opinionated, emotional, and all-consuming. Being with him completely meant letting go and jumping in. All the way. No holding back. And that was terrifying.

Noah wasn't in love with Reid. Couldn't imagine ever falling in love with him. He didn't even get particularly turned on when they were kissing. But being with him was simple. Straightforward. No games, no false fronts. They got along, and they liked kissing. End of story. No muss, no fuss.

It was probably inevitable that his two worlds would collide before he was ready for it.

~~~~

Thursday night, almost two weeks after Luke and Noah's picnic, Noah and Reid were curled up on the sofa, ignoring the Cubs (suffering through yet another late-season decline) in favor of a long game of tongue hockey. With the TV turned up and their minds and mouths consumed with each other, neither of them heard the voices or the front door opening until it was too late.

"What the HELL?"

Luke's voice rang out as a dull thud sounded from Ali's purse hitting the floor. Noah sprang to his feet, teetering a little from the sudden movement. Reid simply pushed himself up to sit and then sighed, dropping his head.

"I'll go," he said, shoving his feet into his shoes and picking up his keys from the coffee table. "I don't think I should be here for this."

Ali and Luke were apparently too stunned to stop him. He stepped past them and out the door, and Ali finally seemed to shake herself free from her stupor.

"Um," she said, squatting to pick up her purse, still staring at Noah. "I'll be back later."

Noah's bottom lip ached where he was chewing on it. He watched Luke, who couldn't seem to move. His eyes were wet and his face flushed, and his mouth hung open in stunned disbelief.

Noah sighed. "I guess we should talk."

That seemed to break Luke out of his stupor. "You think?" he demanded. "You want to start by explaining why the hell I just walked in on you sucking face with Reid Fucking Oliver?"

Noah tried not to let his temper break free. "Hang on just a second," he said, holding up a hand. "You walked into my apartment, Luke. It wasn't like I was waving this in your face."

Luke rolled his eyes and crossed his arms over his chest. "Just what exactly is this, anyway?" he spat out. "Here I thought we were trying to make a fresh start--"

"We were," Noah interrupted, taking a step forward. "We are. And yeah, I should've stopped this sooner, I know." He took another step. "But you already know why I didn't."

Luke paused at that. "How do I know?"

Noah kept moving slowly toward Luke. "Because you've been here," he said. "When I was blind, and pushing you away, and Reid stepped in. It was easy, wasn't it? A lot easier than fighting to be with me."

Luke's mouth opened and closed a few times. Noah pushed his advantage. "What we have was--is amazing, Luke. It always has been. But it's not easy." He swallowed. "Love isn't always easy. It's wonderful, but sometimes it hurts. Sometimes it hurts a lot."

He was standing right in front of Luke and could almost feel the waves of anger and uncertainty and raw energy coming off of him. He resisted the urge to reach out and pull him in.

"I needed this just like you needed it back in the spring," he said, keeping his voice low. "Just to be able to relax and feel wanted again, without having to untangle everything."

Luke snorted, some of the spark coming back to his eyes. "So, what, Reid's a sex therapist now? Getting his rocks off helping the heartbroken and downtrodden get their groove back?"

Noah shrugged. "Maybe," he said. "Not like we aren't all consenting adults."

Luke stiffened and stepped back. "Except that you kept me in the dark," he said. "When I was with Reid, I mean really with Reid, not just a couple of kisses, you knew it. And you and I weren't together in any sense back then anyway." He took in a shaky breath. "How do you think I'm supposed to feel? I'm trying to rebuild something with you and I find out you've been sleeping with my ex behind my back."

"Hey." Noah wasn't about to let that slide. He wrapped his hands around Luke's upper arms. "I didn't sleep with him."

Luke's face twisted in disbelief. "Sure you didn't," he said. "Consenting adults and all."

"I didn't sleep with him, Luke," Noah repeated, tightening his grip slightly. "I wouldn't lie to you about that. We only ever kissed. We barely touched at all otherwise. We never took off a stitch of clothing other than our shoes." He shrugged one shoulder. "I never even wanted to sleep with him. The kissing was nice, but that's all it was."

Luke's mouth moved silently, like he was trying to figure out what to say to that, but suddenly it hit Noah: Luke showed up unannounced, for no particular reason.

He frowned. "Hang on a second," he said. "Why did you walk into my apartment anyway?"

Luke's eyes widened. "Oh shit," he said. "Noah, Gramma had a heart attack."

~~~~

Luke explained while Noah rushed to put on his shoes and get them both into his truck and to the hospital. Emma had collapsed at the farm while cooking dinner and was taken to Memorial. The family gathered, and Luke had tried to call Noah, but he'd left his phone in his bedroom (where it still sat, he realized) and didn't hear it ringing. So when Ali got off work at nine (she'd switched shifts, so it seemed she would've walked in on Noah and Reid either way), she'd offered to drive Luke over to the apartment and then go searching if Noah wasn't there.

By the time Luke made it through the story, they were at the hospital and jumping out of the truck. Noah grabbed Luke's hand without even thinking about it, and they practically ran inside, finding Holden and Lily and a half-dozen other Snyders in the cardiac unit's waiting room.

"How is she?" Luke was out of breath, and his hand still clutched Noah's like it was the only thing holding him together. Noah knew that feeling well.

"She's okay," Holden said, his gaze flicking to their joined hands and just as quickly away. "She's awake and alert. But it looks like she'll have surgery in the morning."

Luke sagged visibly, and Noah let go of his hand and wrapped his arm around Luke's waist instead. "Can I see her?" Luke asked, his eyes pleading.

"Just for a minute." They turned to see Bob Hughes standing in the doorway. "She wants to see everyone, but she's pretty weak, so we need to keep it brief. No more than two at a time."

Holden nodded and held a hand out to Meg, who sat huddled alone. "I'll take Meg in first," he said. No one objected.

When they left the room, Luke turned to Noah. "Will you ..."

He didn't need to finish. Noah nodded. "I'll go with you."

Holden and Meg were back in minutes, Holden with his arm wrapped tightly around his sister's shoulders. "Luke, why don't you go on next?" he said. "We'll see how she feels after that."

Again, no one objected. Luke grabbed for Noah's hand again and headed out the door. Noah followed silently, feeling a little uncomfortable at going in before the rest of the family, but he'd told Luke he'd go with him, and he wasn't about to back out now.

The room was dim and quiet, the soft hums of monitors the only sound. Emma's face turned toward the door as they walked in, and she smiled.

"Oh, my darling boys," she said, holding out a hand. "Come here and see this old woman."

"Gramma, you're not old," Luke replied automatically, stopping next to her and reaching over the bedside railing to wrap the fingers of his free hand around Emma's hand and lower it back down next to her on the bed. "You'll never be old."

Emma laughed, running her soft gaze over both of them. "I don't want to assume anything here," she said. She flicked a finger back and forth between them. "Should I?"

Luke grinned and glanced over at Noah. "Reply hazy, try again later."

Noah chuckled. "No promises," he said. "We'll see."

Emma held out her free hand toward Noah, and he reached out to take it. "Well, you know you're one of mine now," she said. "You'd better keep coming to visit no matter what."

Noah swallowed hard, pushing back the flood of emotion that threatened to overwhelm him. "Thank you," he managed. "Not just for that, either. For being so nice to me all this time, even when you had every reason not to."

"Oh, I have every reason to be nice to you, as you say, my dear." Emma smiled. "You're a kind soul, Noah, and you've been hurt a lot. The last thing I'd ever want to do is add to it. You don't deserve any of it."

Noah couldn't speak at all after that, but it didn't matter, since Dr. Hughes stuck his head in right then. "Sorry Luke, Noah, but we need to let Emma rest," he said.

Luke grinned and leaned forward to kiss Emma on the cheek. "Sleep well," he said. "We'll see you tomorrow, okay?"

"All right, dear," she said. Noah squeezed the hand he still held before releasing it. Luke shot him a quick smile and led him out of the room by their still-joined hands.

Instead of turning toward the waiting room, though, Luke pulled Noah down the hall and around the corner. "What--" Noah tried to ask, but before he could get it out Luke had wrapped both arms around him and buried his face in Noah's chest.

"I can't ... I can't." It seemed to be all he could say, and Noah didn't try to respond, didn't try to find words that didn't exist. He just wrapped both arms around Luke and held him.

~~~~

Getting Luke out of the hospital was a more difficult task than Noah anticipated--and he hadn't expected it to be easy--but he managed it finally, sometime after midnight. They drove in silence back to Noah's apartment, Noah holding the wheel one-handed, since his other never let go of Luke's.

Inside the apartment, Luke's steps faltered, and Noah turned to see him staring at the sofa where, just a few hours earlier, Noah had been kissing Reid. Noah reached out with his free hand and turned Luke's head toward him. "Hey," he said softly. "This is just us, okay?"

Luke's eyes searched his, and he finally nodded. Noah moved down the hallway, pulling Luke along and into his bedroom, and Luke didn't even seem to have the strength to question it. Noah kicked off his shoes and tapped one toe on Luke's foot, prompting him to slowly do the same.

Noah drew him over to the bed, stopping to look at Luke and gauge his state of mind. Luke's eyes were red, his hair sticking up, and he had on a worn t-shirt and a ratty old pair of jeans with a rip in one knee. Even so, he looked just as gorgeous as he had when he'd arrived polished to a shine to pick up Noah for their date.

It wasn't the clothes that made the man. It was the man.

Still holding Luke's hand, Noah climbed onto the bed, sliding across the mattress and pulling Luke after him. Luke stiffened. "Noah--"

"Shh," Noah said. "Just us." He ran his hand down Luke's arm. "No one else. No one else has been here but me."

That seemed to help. Luke's eyes closed and he let out a long, shuddering breath, relaxing a little. Noah shifted closer, and Luke rolled into him, head resting on Noah's shoulder, Noah's arm wrapped around his back.

They slept.

~~~~

In one of their recent conversations, Luke had told Noah about his insistence on making the waiting rooms in the new neurology wing as comfortable as possible. Considering the amount of time they seemed to spend in those rooms, Noah had to agree.

He and Luke sat side by side on one of the loveseats in the same waiting room where they'd been the night before. Noah's arm was starting to ache, but he didn't dare move it, considering Luke had both of his hands wrapped around Noah's and the whole tangle of fingers sitting in his lap. Holden sat with Meg across from them, Faith in a corner with her earbuds in (Natalie and Ethan had been sent to school, but Faith refused). Various other aunts, uncles, cousins, and friends filtered in and out during the morning.

Noah hated to do it, but the three cups of coffee had caught up with him. He leaned over and laid his hand on top of Luke's.

"Hey," he said softly, ducking his head far enough to catch Luke's eye. "Need to run to the restroom. You gonna be okay for a few?"

Luke didn't seem to be quite all there, but he nodded. Noah squeezed his hands before releasing them and standing up. His joints protested as he moved, and he rocked his head from side to side to loosen his neck a little as he walked out the door and across the hall.

When he stepped back out into the hallway a few minutes later, he almost literally ran into Reid.

"Whoa, sorry!" Noah held up his hands and then gave a tentative smile. "Didn't see you."

"No problem." Reid's gaze was level, face blank. "Didn't expect to see you here."

"Yeah, well." Noah rubbed the back of his neck. "That's why Luke showed up last night. His grandmother's sick. She's having heart surgery right now."

"Ah," Reid said, nodding. "So he went running back into your arms?"

Noah fought to keep from countering in kind. Reid lashed out when he was hurt. Noah knew that feeling all too well.

"He wanted me to know because he knew I'd want to be there for Emma," Noah said, crossing his arms over his chest. "And he was right. Everything else aside, I care about her a lot. She's the closest thing I've ever had to a grandmother."

His voice cracked a little on the last word, and he curled his lips between his teeth. Reid's expression softened, so minutely that someone who didn't know him probably wouldn't have noticed.

"I'm sure she'll be fine," he said, in a tone the closest he probably ever got to anything resembling soothing. "You should probably get back."

He turned as if to walk away, but Noah reached out to stop him with a hand on his shoulder. "Hey," he said. "You probably already figured this out, but it wouldn't be far of me not to say it anyway." He took a break. "That, what happened last night, what we've been doing ... it can't, won't happen again." He paused. "I don't know anything yet, except that I still love Luke, and it's not fair to any of us to ignore that or pretend otherwise. One way or another, I have to deal with it."

Reid looked at Noah's hand, then his face, and nodded. "Fine," he said. "Is that it? I need to get back to saving lives."

Noah let his hand fall away. "One more thing," he said. "I wanted to thank you. For everything."

"Everything?" Reid raised an eyebrow. "Does that include sleeping with your ex?"

It stung, but it didn't hurt. Not any more. "Yes," Noah replied. "If that's what it took to get us to the point where we can be together again."

Reid inclined his head in something approximating agreement. "Well, now maybe you can get back to being Oakdale's favorite gay couple."

Noah had to smile at that. "I hope so," he admitted.

"Great." Reid rolled his eyes. "And since you two seem to be the only choices in this town, guess that leaves me stuck with just hanging around as Katie's gay best friend."

Noah laughed. "Nah, there's still a college full of students and professors, if nothing else," he said. "Just watch out for anyone who wears scarves in the summer."

"That sounds like another long story," Reid said, actually cracking a small smile.

"You don't know the half of it," Noah said. He glanced down the hallway. "I should really get back," he said. He held out a hand. "See you around?"

Reid glanced at his hand, then reached out and shook it. "The way things go in Oakhell, I doubt we could avoid each other no matter how hard we tried."

Noah grinned and nodded before heading back to the waiting room.

Back to Luke.

~~~~
~~~~

iv: it ends with a twist

Noah kicked the door shut behind him and squatted carefully to set the box he was holding on the floor. "That's the last of it," he said, brushing dust off his hands as he straightened back up.

"Well, thank GOD." Casey had flopped onto the sofa and thrown an arm over his eyes. "Jesus, you two have a lot of shit."

Luke laughed from the kitchen where he was storing away the last of the pile of food Emma had put together to fill their fridge. "Casey, you're such a drama queen," he teased.

Noah grinned, walking across to lean over the counter toward Luke. "And coming from one of the biggest drama queens out there ..."

"Shut up, Mayer." Luke flicked Noah's nose with his fingers and went back to folding up empty bags.

Nearly three months had passed since Emma's heart attack. She'd recovered beautifully and was almost back to her old self, minus a few extra pounds and with a little more stamina every day. Noah and Luke had spent a lot of time at the farm during her convalescence, helping her out and reconnecting with each other in the process. Noah had been accepted into OU's master's degree program just two weeks earlier, and after their celebratory dinner turned into much more later in the evening--in Noah's bed--they'd made the decision to move back in together.

Someone knocked on the door, and Noah headed back in that direction. "Probably Ali," he said. "She said she'd come by and help some with the unpacking after she finished her shift today.

He pulled open the door and stopped, surprised. Reid was on the other side. It took Noah a couple of seconds to realize he was carrying three large pizzas, with a six-pack of Heineken sitting on top.

"Figured you could do with some food," he said, giving a half-smile.

Noah blinked his way out of his stupor. "Um, yeah, thanks," he said, pushing the door open and waving Reid inside. "Come on in. Watch out for the boxes."

Reid paused inside the door and looked around, holding the pizza boxes to one side so he could see the floor. Before he could say anything, Casey had leapt up from his swoon and snatched the beer off the top of the stack.

"Glad to see you get here once all the work is done, Oliver," he said.

Reid just rolled his eyes. "Yeah, and a crushed finger would be just great when I'm digging around inside someone's brain," he shot back, walking over to set the pizzas on the end of the kitchen counter.

Luke screwed up his face in teasing disgust. "Ew," he said around a half-grin. "You're just trying to kill our appetites so you can have all the pizza to yourself."

"You found me out," Reid said in a mild tone of voice, sliding boxes around to get them spread out and opened up. "I have a cheese, a three-meat, and a pepperoni. Didn't know what you guys might want."

"It's all about the meat, baby," Casey declared, holding a bottle of beer in one hand and reaching for a slice of the three-meat with the other.

Noah laughed. "Casey, are you sure you're straight? 'Cause that's about the gayest thing I've ever heard."

Mouth full, Casey shot Noah the finger around his beer bottle and kept chewing.

Ali showed up then, and Luke grabbed disposable plates and napkins, along with a can of root beer for himself, and everyone found seats where they could. Casey and Ali ended up on the sofa, Reid in the old overstuffed chair that had been in Luke's room at the farm, and Noah and Luke on the floor nearby, using a box of DVDs as a table between them.

Casey seemed to be puzzling something over, Noah noticed. After he'd gotten two slices of pizza and most of his beer down, he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. "So, um, what's the deal here?" Casey asked. "I mean, aren't you two on the outs?" He waved his hand between Noah and Reid.

Noah looked at Reid, biting back a grin. "Um, no, not exactly," he said. "It's kind of a long story and one I really don't want to get into, but we're good."

Reid shrugged. "Yeah, just because we've both slept with Mr. Snyder here--"

"Oh shit, TMI!" Casey waved both hands in front of him, squeezing his eyes shut. "Seriously, do NOT need details. Really."

Noah, Luke, and Ali were both laughing by then, and even Reid couldn't hold back a smile. "You asked," he pointed out, lifting his beer to take another sip.

"Forget I did," Casey retorted. He drained his beer and reached for another. "You guys get along now. End of story."

"Yep." Noah set down his own beer next to him on the floor. "I mean, we put up with you. Putting up with Reid should be a piece of cake."

Casey's attempt to protest was cut off by Ali shoving the tip of another slice of pizza in his mouth. Noah laughed again, catching Luke's eye. The smile he got back would've stopped a lesser man's heart, but it just expanded Noah's even more.

By unspoken agreement, they scooted closer to each other, Noah's hand coming up to cup the back of Luke's neck and pull him in for a kiss.

It wasn't until balled-up napkins starting hitting them from two directions that they pulled apart. Laughing, Noah looked around to see both Reid and Casey poised to throw more paper at them. He held up a hand, and Casey nailed the center of his palm.

"C'mon, guys, you'll have the whole place to yourself when we finish eating," Casey said, wiping pizza dust from his hands onto his jeans. "Could you hold off until then?"

"Yeah," Reid chimed in. "I mean, it's not like I haven't kissed both of you--"

Casey's shout of surprise and disgust set both Noah and Luke into fits of giggles. Noah caught Luke's gaze, soaking in the love shining out, and leaned forward to kiss him again, heedless of Casey or Reid or anyone or anything else in the world.

They finally had the ending that they wanted.